In terms of the magical world of Harry Potter, it’s weird to consider mashing it up with the world of Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld is possibly the most muggle a person could be. (“Muggle” can totally be used as an adjective.) (Probably a verb, too.) (“He muggles things up.” Yep, works.) Someone could walk up to him in wizard robes, say “expecto patronum”, have a dragon emerge from their wand, and Jerry would probably just shrug and walk away.
That being said, it’s fun to speculate what houses Jerry and his friends would be sorted into. Some are incredibly easy (Newman), and some are a little more complicated (George.)
Frank Costanza – Gryffindor
George’s father is a bit of a conundrum. He’s not dumb, but he’s not a bookworm either. His idea of quality reading is the TV Guide. He is resourceful, but not necessarily cunning. And while he values hard work, to say he was patient would be lunacy. But an argument can be made for Gryffindor’s traits of bravery, courage, and nerve.
Frank never backs down from a challenge. He’s not afraid to confront people, in fact, it’s his default reaction to all things. Even if something has been traumatic, like cooking for large groups of people after he inadvertently gave his whole unit in Korea food poisoning, he pulls himself up and does it. That takes courage.
J. Peterman – Ravenclaw
On the surface of things Elaine’s boss may not seem like the most brilliant man, but he’s really just a little weird. He built a clothing empire from nothing. His inspirational tales of world travels and how they inspire his designs are what make his clothes fascinating to the customers. That’s a great marketing ploy and a dumb person couldn’t have come up with that.
And for all he seems like a blowhard or out of touch, he can occasionally show how savvy he is. When he discovers Elaine has eaten a $20,000 piece of cake, the wry delight he takes in telling her that the impending food poisoning she’s about to endure makes it worth it to him can only come from a clever person.
Morty Seinfeld – Slytherin
Morty may not be who you’d immediately think of when thinking Slytherin, but he has a lot of the qualities. Even after retiring, he’s still ambitious. He’s the president of his condo association until he’s overthrown in a coup. He forgoes a trip to Paris to cement a business deal.
And when he discovers his brother-in-law Leo stole $50 from his wife when they were children, he wants him to pay his wife interest for all the years since. He may not be terribly cunning but he has the other attributes.
Helen Seinfeld – Hufflepuff
The Hufflepuff traits that most encapsulate Jerry’s mother are patience and loyalty. She could also be a Ravenclaw, as she offers sage advice, but her Hufflepuff qualities are more evident. Morty can be trying, and she’ll even disagree with him behind closed doors, but to the world she always presents a united front.
As for her patience, she maintained a friendship with the Costanzas for years because she didn’t want to disrupt Jerry’s friendship with George. Once they were adults, she let the truth known that she didn’t care for them, completely understandable, and as the Costanzas believed the Seinfelds to be their dear friends, she must have displayed incredible patience for many years.
David Puddy – Hufflepuff
In many ways Puddy is like the caricature version of a Hufflepuff that people tease other Hufflepuffs about. But he has many of the true traits as well. He’s hard-working. He’s the only mechanic that Jerry will trust with his car because of the good work he does. He’s also known as being an honest mechanic, speaking to his being a just man.
He’s incredibly loyal to the New Jersey Devils. One could say problematically loyal with his face and body painting. And he’s incredibly patient. Only a patient person could have stayed with Elaine for so long given her whims when it came to that particular relationship.
Newman – Slytherin
No one is more Slytherin than Newman. While his goals may not be as lofty as most Slytherins, he will use cunning and any resources he has to meet his ambitions. Often when one of the gang has nefarious dealings to be done, he’s the one they turn to. They know his dastardly leanings will get the job done, even if they don’t approve of his methods.
The only problem is, if it doesn’t benefit him directly, he’s not always a reliable person. He may just call in sick on a calzone delivery or immediately cop to a dognapping. And turning on his friends is nothing to him if it means he gets something out of it.
Cosmo Kramer – Hufflepuff
Kramer could have been in Gryffindor, or even in Slytherin, but the one trait that motivates a lot of his actions and interactions with other people is justice. He is a stickler for the rules and for the agreements that people make with each other. He’ll hold people to their word, even if it was given off-hand as when he demands Elaine uphold her end of the bargain he proposed of him fixing her neck in exchange for her bicycle. And he’s so strident that his golf partner follows the rules of the game, he may have driven the man to murder a dry cleaner.
Kramer is also very loyal. He won’t let a bad word be said about his mother, despite the problems that they have with one another, and when Newman forces him to choose between his grandiose millennium New Years’ Eve plans and Jerry, Kramer chooses Jerry. Their friendship is worth more to him than almost anything else.
George Costanza – Slytherin
George, not unlike his parents, can be hard to qualify. He’s not a Hufflepuff as he does everything he can to avoid hard work and aside from Jerry, isn’t particularly loyal to anyone. He’s not a Ravenclaw, despite what people’s initial impressions of him might be, as in his own words, he is “Constanza, Lord of the Idiots.” And he may be the least courageous character on the show, so not a Gryffindor.
When George works, it is only to advance himself and his interests. He’s not above lying to get what he wants, in fact he relies on it. He’s not particularly ambitious but he does desire a lot of things and we’ll use his own limited resources to achieve his goals. He is definitely a Slytherin.
Elaine Benes – Ravenclaw
Of all of her friends, Elaine is by far the cleverest. She has an IQ of 145 (or 151, possibly 85) and is sharp and biting in her wit. She can be pragmatic to a fault, like the time she nearly turns down an offer of intimacy with a boyfriend that she liked because she wasn’t sure if he was “sponge-worthy” or not.
Elaine is creative – she’s able to get a job with J. Peterman by emulating his style of writing and pitching him on the spot. Her idea to sell just muffin tops proves successful, even if her former boss stole the idea and ran with it. She’s a Ravenclaw, through and through.
Jerry Seinfeld – Gryffindor
While Jerry doesn’t always seem like the bravest person, it is the courageous and chivalrous Superman that he most aspires to. Though he may be reluctant to do something, if he’s given his word, he’ll do it. Even if it embarrasses him, like wearing a puffy pirate shirt on national television. He tries to help people, even though it generally backfires as it did with Babu Bhatt.
Jerry’s not a Harry Potter kind of Gryffindor, always charging forth. He’s more like Neville or even Ron. He’s reluctant to get involved, he might be scared, but when push comes to shove, he’ll muster his courage and do what’s right. And for a Gryffindor, that’s what’s important in the end.