Seinfeld: 10 Reasons Not To Date Jerry

While Jerry does possess some positive traits on Seinfeld, and he does go out with quite a few women, there are plenty of reasons not to date him.

For some people, Jerry Seinfeld’s character on Seinfeld seems like top-notch dating material. He’s witty, exceptionally tidy, and he rarely seems to be short on cash. He’s dated a large collection of attractive and highly successful women including a supermodel, a doctor, Bette Midler’s understudy, and a virgin who went on to date John F. Kennedy Jr.

Despite his abundance of love interests, Jerry is unable to hold on to a woman for very long. Why does a guy who seems to have so much going for him find it so difficult to find a long-lasting relationship? It may be that his flaws outweigh his positive characteristics.

Jerry Is A Mugger

Jerry Seinfeld may seem like a rule-follower and law-abiding citizen, but he is, in fact, capable of committing a crime, even against a frail senior citizen. In season 7’s “The Rye,” he manhandles a little old lady and steals her marble rye bread. When she cries out for help, he callously responds, “Shut up, you old bag.” For anyone who has outgrown their penchant for “bad boys,” or holds the elderly in high esteem, Jerry is not prime dating material.

Jerry May Drug You

Jerry Seinfeld’s character may seem harmless, but don’t let his seemingly easygoing and good-humored nature fool you. Underneath that smiling facade, lurks someone willing to drug a woman to get what he wants, even if what he wants is to play with her toys. No, this is not some strange euphemism. In season 9’s “The Merv Griffin Show,” Jerry uses a large turkey dinner, wine, and medication to render his girlfriend, Celia, unconscious to play with her extensive toy collection. And he invites his friends over to join him. Jerry is not a man to be trusted.

Jerry Picks His Nose

As George points out, everyone has occasion to “clean house” once in a while,claiming that Moses, himself, was likely a “picker” with all that dry desert air. As evidenced in season 4’s “The Pick,” Jerry’s finger is no stranger to his nasal cavity either. After his model girlfriend, Tia, sees him “scratching” his nose in his car, she refuses to return his calls. Jerry is unable to convince her that he is not a nose picker and that even if he is, it’s not a big deal, leaving her less than impressed. While Jerry may be able to find a female who is willing to overlook his occasional nostril digs, this is not a trait that many will find endearing.

Jerry Lies About His Waist Size

Everyone tells little white lies from time to time, but Jerry’s fib in season 7’s “The Sponge” is rooted in sheer vanity. He goes to the trouble of changing the waist size on all of his jeans from a 32 to a 31 in an attempt to perpetuate the lie and impress the girls. The “girls,” however, are not impressed.

His love interest, Lena, is not offended by the fact that he got her phone number off an AIDS-walk list. But she is disgusted by the fact that he is shallow enough to lie about his pant size. If a woman is looking for a “what you see is what you get” kind of guy, it’s not Jerry.

Jerry’s Neighbor Is A Pest

Kramer is not exactly an ideal neighbor. He regularly barges into Jerry’s apartment to “borrow” food and beverage, personal items like bathing suits, and to use Jerry’s phone or television set. In the process, he interrupts a lot of Jerry’s dates. He has even been known to wake Jerry up in the middle of the night by standing at his bedside. And when Kramer opens his mouth, he usually says something that will ruin Jerry’s relationship. Anyone who dates Jerry will have to put up with a large number of drop-ins and will likely have to put their name on anything they put in the fridge. After all, in Kramer’s world, everything is up for grabs and boundaries are for breaking.

Jerry May Let You Die

In season 7’s “The Pool Guy,” Jerry finds himself in an unwanted friendship with the guy who looks after his public pool, Ramon. Jerry explains to him that he already has three friends and isn’t looking for any others. Newman does a cannonball in the pool and lands smack dab on Ramon. The now unconscious pool boy is not breathing, but Jerry refuses to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. He opts instead to run the risk of Ramon dying. While most women like to feel safe and protected by their significant other, this proves that Jerry is not exactly the knight-in-shining-armor type.

Jerry Is A Fussy Eater

Cooking for someone should be enjoyable, the opportunity to showcase one’s culinary prowess. Jerry, however, has proven that he is picky when it comes to food. Black-and-white cookies make him vomit. He’d rather fire a Junior Mint into a patient’s innards during surgery than eat one. As shown in season 7’s “The Wink,” he refuses to eat meat at a restaurant. When his girlfriend presents him with her masterful mutton dish, he hides the meat in his napkin. Anyone who dates Jerry will need to have an impressive repertoire of salad and egg white recipes. When all else fails, bring out a box of Jerry’s very favorite food on Seinfeld: cereal. Exciting, right?

Jerry’s Family Is Obnoxious

When selecting your Mr. Right, it is important to remember that he comes with an entire bevy of relations, and it is nice if some of them are normal. This, unfortunately, is not the case with the Seinfeld clan. From his overly adoring mother who can’t understand how anyone can not like Jerry, to his quick-tempered, Velcro-hating father, Morty and Helen Seinfeld could prove to be challenging in-laws.

And, God help any woman who ends up visiting Jerry Seinfeld’s parents in Del Boca Vista, Florida with their back-breaking foldout couch and lack of air conditioning. The insanity does not end there either. Jerry’s shoplifting Uncle Leo and his incessant stories about zoo-keeping Cousin Jeffrey are sure to send even the most patient girlfriend packing.

Jerry Is Neurotic

One thing that everyone can agree on is the fact that Jerry is a neat freak. It’s nice that his apartment is always spotless. Even his cereal boxes are so perfectly lined up that the most fastidious obsessive-compulsive would be pleased, but his quest for perfection can be challenging. In season 8’s “The Pothole,” Jerry accidentally drops his girlfriend’s toothbrush in the toilet. He fails to tell her of this mishap and refuses to kiss her from then on. She decides to tell him that she put something in his apartment in his toilet, but won’t say what. In a true Jerry-like fashion, he proceeds to get rid of almost everything he owns. Yes, anyone who marries Jerry will have to keep the house “just so” and her belongings far away from the toilet.

Jerry Will Find Something Wrong With You

Jerry isn’t one to overlook minor faults when it comes to his significant others and regularly finds the worst reasons to break up with his current flame. This is why none of his relationships last longer than an episode. Anyone who has “man hands,” doesn’t look good in poorly lit spaces, refuses to give him a massage, or enjoys a good Dockers commercial will likely find Jerry giving them the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine. Yes, in Jerry’s world, it makes perfect sense to break up with an otherwise lovely woman because she eats her peas one at a time. Anyone who dates this extremely picky man will have to be flawless, or at least really good at hiding their minor imperfections.

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